So, in my last post I ended by saying that I had never stopped to think that a neurotypical brain might not be stuck in a loop of constantly ruminating over conversations from months, even years ago.
This endless cycle of thoughts has affected so much of my life, from my work to my relationships. In my personal life, I’m known for being fiercely protective and loyal. My husband likes to joke that I’m like a lioness — always ready to defend my loved ones. But it’s also meant I’ve often stayed in relationships longer than I should have, even when I knew deep down, they weren’t healthy or right for me. I couldn't let go, because I have this deep fear of failure. The idea of giving up, of making another mistake, was something I couldn’t face. And so, I stayed, trying to fix things, even when I knew they were beyond repair. I was constantly trying to please people, desperate not to make another mistake, to avoid the pain of disappointing someone - or myself.
It’s exhausting, this constant tug-of-war between what I know deep down and what I feel I should do. I’m realising now that so much of this struggle has been driven by not fully understanding myself, not realising that I might have been dealing with something that explains these patterns. But the more I learn, the more it starts to make sense — and I’m starting to find peace with the fact that it's okay to not have everything figured out right away. It’s okay to have these moments of self-reflection and even to admit that I don’t have all the answers. I think that’s where real growth begins.
To say that this conversation with my supervisor was emotional would be an understatement. It wasn’t just me shedding tears; my supervisor did too. We both recognised how much I had spent years masking my true feelings, hiding the struggles I faced with everyday things that left me feeling overwhelmed. Things like social situations, managing friendships, staying on top of my finances, and keeping my house in order. Over the years, I’ve worked hard to change and challenge myself in these areas, but there are still moments when they feel like too much.
What I’ve realised is that, despite the overwhelm, I deeply value these aspects of my life. I value keeping my home tidy, managing my relationships, and doing what I can to stay on top of everything because it’s for my own benefit — it helps me feel less stressed and more in control. But it hasn’t always been easy.
I’ve often joked that I don’t like people, but the truth is, that couldn’t be further from the reality. I love people. What I’ve struggled with over the years is the fear of how I’m perceived by others, the fear of rejection, failure, or being judged. I’ve invested so much in my relationships, and when they don’t go as I’d hoped, I tend to read too much into things. That fear has often caused me to withdraw, to pull back from relationships rather than face the potential hurt of not being accepted or understood.
And here we are now - I’m in the process of pursuing an ADHD diagnosis. It’s a new chapter, and who knows where it will lead. Maybe it will help me make sense of some of the patterns I’ve struggled with for years. Or, perhaps it will show that I don’t have ADHD at all, and I’ll have to reassess some of the trauma responses I’ve developed over time. Whatever the outcome, I feel like I’m on a journey of self-discovery, and that alone is a step towards greater understanding.
To continue to follow my journey to assessment, look out for Part 5 – “A new lens”