Today, I took the first step in getting my ADHD assessment. True to form, I’m all in, diving straight into the process and wanting to get it done as soon as possible. I’ve been researching like crazy, trying to find the right place to get this done, and that’s how I found Care ADHD. I’ve spoken to their staff, and they’re sending me the forms to get the ball rolling. It still feels a little surreal, though. I’ve been like this - this person I’ve known myself to be - for my entire life, and now, trying to view it all through a new lens feels strange.
This morning, I had to take my youngest granddaughter to the hospital for her eye clinic appointment. She’s been struggling with a strong prescription and a slight lazy eye. To help her get binocular vision, she’s been wearing a patch on her good eye for an hour each day. As you can imagine, this has been pretty traumatic for her; she’s only three, and the limited vision from patching her good eye has been really tough. But we’ve persevered, and after six weeks of patching, we went back to the hospital for a follow-up.
While I sat there with my granddaughter on my knee, something clicked for me. During her exam, the optometrist put a pair of special glasses on top of her regular glasses, one with a red lens and one with a green lens. Then, she was asked to look at a page full of dots and point out what she could see. I was watching her do this, and I couldn’t understand how she was expected to pick out butterflies, circles, and squares. I couldn’t see anything at all apart from a page full of dots. So, I asked the optometrist what that was all about. Turns out, those special glasses were designed to let my granddaughter see in 3D, and because I wasn’t wearing these lenses, I wasn’t able to see what was in front of me.
This experience made me realise something profound. It’s a bit like how I’ve been viewing my diagnosis, my history, and my behaviours. Up until now, I’ve looked at ADHD through the lens of a coach, using the knowledge I’ve gained from working with adults with ADHD to inform my coaching. But now, as I start this journey of self-discovery, everything I read, every webinar I attend, and every workshop I go to is now being viewed through the lens of my own ADHD. It’s like putting on a new pair of glasses and suddenly seeing the world in a way I never have before — like seeing in 3D for the first time.
The result of her eye exam was that, after six weeks of patching and working through her fears and tears, her eyesight has improved. She now has binocular vision instead of monocular vision, though there’s still some work to do to get her 3D vision fully developed. That moment has really stuck with me, as I see the parallel between her progress and my own journey.
For me, there’s a sense of relief in realising that perhaps there’s an explanation for my past behaviours, for the challenges I’ve faced. But there’s also been a lot of searching, questioning, and some fear of change - of not wanting to look at myself differently or acknowledge that there are parts of my behaviour, the way my brain works, that I’ve struggled to control. It's just the way I am, I thought.
But here’s the thing: the joy and the worry are mixed together. The joy comes from realising that this isn’t about me just being a “bad” person or lacking in some way; this is about how my brain processes information differently. It’s not something I’ve been fully in control of, and that gives me a deep sense of peace. To finally know that my struggles aren’t a reflection of who I am as a person, but rather how my brain works - that knowledge brings real relief. It’s a journey I’m just starting, but for the first time, I’m beginning to see things more clearly.
To find out what happens next on my journey, look out for Part 6 – Digging deep