Over the last few weeks, a couple of things have come up that’ve made me have one of them “ohhhh, that’s why I do that” moments about my own ADHD. You know the ones - where it all suddenly clicks into place, and you find yourself thinking, crikey, this is more about my brain than I realised.
So here’s what happened. I had to buy two different pairs of shoes recently. Now, I know that might not sound like a big deal, but for me, and I reckon for a lot of other ADHDers, it turned into a bit of an ordeal.
Part 1: The Walking Shoes
Let’s start with the walking shoes. Mine had disintegrated a while ago, and I’d been making do with trainers which, let’s be honest, aren’t built for long walks over muddy paths and Yorkshire hills. So, the inevitable day came when I had to go and buy proper walking shoes.
Now, my husband needed a pair too, so we went together. He strolled in, tried on what I think were the first pair he picked up, gave them a little walk up and down, said “These are great!” and the job was a good ‘un! Me? Not so simple.
The problem is, I can be an impulse buyer sometimes, and I’ve definitely had my “ooh, shiny!” moments, but when it comes to something important (and let’s face it, good walking shoes aren’t cheap), I freeze. Total decision-paralysis. I have wandered up and down an aisle for hair products for 30 minutes, weighing up the pros and cons of each one, so you can imagine why buying walking shoes might tip me over the edge!
On my own, it’s not quite as bad. I can dither in peace. But when there’s someone else there, especially someone ‘patiently’ waiting, I feel the pressure big time. I ended up pacing between two pairs - one that felt sturdy and would probably last ages, and one that fit like a dream and felt lighter. One for stability, one for agility. I walked up and down the little ramp that has different terrains for way longer than was ‘normal’.
Eventually (after a lot of back-and-forth and my husband managing not to sigh too loudly), my husband gently nudged me towards the ones I clearly liked most. Decision made, shoes bought, stress and anxiety levels back to normal.
Part 2: The Running Shoes
Next up, running shoes. Now I’m definitely not a natural runner, and I don’t pretend to be, but years ago - maybe eight or nine now - my husband convinced me to give Couch to 5K a go. I stuck with it for a bit, but I kept getting this pain in my hip that wouldn’t go away, and eventually, I stopped.
Recently though, I’ve been swimming regularly, and I thought, you know what, maybe it’s time to try running again, just lightly, tagging it onto the dog walks. The problem was, I’d chucked my old running shoes, so I needed a new pair.
This time, I went on my own. I spared my husband the faff. Went to the shop, asked for help, got fitted properly, and came away with a decent pair of running shoes without a meltdown or breaking the bank. Progress!
What I’ve Realised
The thing I’ve realised from all this is, when it comes to buying things that really matter, I struggle. It’s not because I’m awkward or picky, it’s because of past experiences. Times I’ve rushed decisions. Times I’ve bought stuff that didn’t quite fit, thinking “Oh, I’ll slim into it,” or “It’ll be fine after I break it in.” The reality is: it never is.
That’s left me with this massive distrust of my own decision-making. I second-guess myself until I can’t think straight. It’s exhausting.
But what’s helped, massively, is having someone who gets me. Someone who’s patient, who doesn’t get annoyed when I go round in circles. Someone who understands that I’m not being difficult, I’m just navigating a bit of executive dysfunction with a side of shopping anxiety.
A Note for Partners Out There
If your partner has ADHD, please know this: your understanding matters more than you might ever realise. Get curious. Ask questions. Learn about their world. Yes, it can be frustrating. Yes, we might test your patience, but if you can meet us with compassion instead of judgment, it makes a world of difference.
I’ve got a client with a few co-occurring neurodivergent conditions, and I love watching how their partner - who’s also neurodivergent - supports them. It’s amazing to see. There’s this spoken and unspoken understanding between them, and honestly, it’s a great to witness. You can feel how seen and heard they are.
And that’s the key really: being heard and understood. That’s what most of us want, isn’t it? Especially those of us with ADHD. We might not be the easiest to live with all the time, but when we feel supported, we can do hard things with a little more grace, and a lot less meltdown.
So here’s to patient partners, comfy shoes and learning to trust ourselves - one decision at a time.
#adhdstruggles #adhdcoaching